Sharing the Hard Stuff

It's been quite a long time since I've updated our blog, and I finally feel ready to explain why....My New Year's Resolution this year is to be more vulnerable, sharing more about the challenges in our lives, rather than just sharing the good. That's hard for me (that's why it's taken me so long to write anything on this blog) - I love it when things are going well, and it's fun to share about it. But, that's not real life. I guess we all have our challenges, the times when life is scary, when things get messy, when we feel scared and alone, when our marriages feel kind of dull, etc., etc.,

So, how have I really been the past couple of months??? I have really been struggling with lots of weird health stuff, and it has been very hard for me. I have been experiencing some weakness and nerve stuff in my arms, pains in my feet, hands, head and waking up at night with a horrible burning sensation throughout my body. After having this for 9 straight nights, I went to the doctor in desperation, breaking down crying in the office because I needed some relief. He prescribed a sleeping pill for me which has helped quite a bit, so I'm now able to sleep 6 or 7 hours without waking up. When I tried cutting back on the sleeping pill for 2 nights, I woke up with the burning feeling again and couldn't go back to sleep from 2:00 on. Of course, I had to work the next day, so it was quite a long day. I don't want to have to take a pill every night, but I need my sleep! My doctor also prescribed some anxiety medication which has helped but also brings along side effects, too. I'm much less teary, though, so that is good. I have seen a neurologist, rheumatologist, regular doctor, and talked to several advice nurses over the past couple of months. No one has a clear answer which is the most frustrating part of all. I have cut back on my exercise because I almost feel scared that if I work out, I'm going to feel worse. I have had a hard time giving the kids the emotional support they need, as I go to bed early or just feel kind of checked out. The other day, McKenzie said, "You're so quiet." For weeks, I'd barely been able to pray. I read my Bible, but the words just kind of passed through my head. This has also been hard for me because for many years I have relied on God for comfort and it has been scary to not feel that. This is the time when I need God the most. I have spent many hours laying on the couch (I actually saw my first episode of iCarly to the kids' amazement)! So, given all of this - what am I learning??

I am learning to never give up.

I am learning that I'm not in control (which I hate), but I'm gaining more comfort in knowing God will take care of me. The other day, I just wrote out encouraging scriptures on notecards and read through them, to fill my mind with things that are true, rather than worrying about the bad. This morning I read, "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life," and "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me." Those scriptures give me strength.

I'm learning how I really need other people's help in my life. My sister really helped me the other night when she talked to me about anxiety. She helped me to see that I portray my life as kind of like a super family, and I can't even keep up with myself anymore. I have been thinking about that for awhile, and I think there is a lot of truth in that. I always want to be the family who will help someone, whose kids are doing well with their grades and their sports accomplishments, the family who doesn't struggle financially, the marriage that doesn't have issues, etc. All of that becomes quite a burden to bear over time, and I think God is helping me to expose those areas where I don't fully rely and trust in him as well as give him the credit for all that's good in our lives. Peter and my mom have been by my side in going to doctor visits with me. All of our friends in our Bible study group have been praying for me and texting me encouraging scriptures. My parents are helping drive McKenzie to her never ending orthodontic appointments which is a huge help to us.

I'm also learning to say "no." I have been doing trainings at work for the past 8 years, and they are very time consuming and take up a lot of energy (teaching an 18 hour course to 10-15 people is very draining). There is a planning meeting coming up for the next one, and I'm not going to commit to doing the training.

I'm learning that I need Peter more and more. I'm sure no one is surprised to hear that I am a pretty independent, strong-willed person. That has not always been a very helpful quality in our marriage! I feel like God is showing me a whole new side of what marriage can be. I'm dependent on Peter to lead; I seek out his emotional support - there have been days and nights where I have just needed him to be right by my side as I have not wanted to be alone. He has been incredibly supportive, and I have a whole new respect and appreciation for him.

I'm also learning that I love yoga - going to my classes has been a time to completely clear my mind and learn how to be still, something that I have never been able to do!!

I'm learning that my self-worth doesn't come in how much I get done during the day.

I'm learning that it can be a really good thing to just lay on the couch with the kids and watch their shows - Conner even gave me a foot massage last night without me even asking for one :)

I'm learning that when I feel worried and anxious, it will pass in a little bit. I don't have to think that I'm always going to feel that way.

For the people who read this, please know how very important you are to me and how much I need you, even though I haven't done a good job at expressing that. I am grateful for you.